To the Perfectionist

2017 was a milestone year for me. What began as a year full of high hopes, fervent desires and desperate prayers gradually transformed into a year of continued surrender, forced humility and newfound trust. The Lord met me, challenged me, spoke to me, and revealed to me a little bit more of His infinitely deep and beautiful heart.

However, these revelations were not without their struggles. If there is one thing I’ve learned this past year, it is that great intimacy with the Lord is typically accompanied by even greater difficulty. Oswald Chambers once said that “before God can use a man greatly, he must first wound him deeply.” It is at our toughest, most vulnerable moment in the growing process, stripped of all our comforts, that we are fully capable of choosing to surrender our plans to Him completely.

As I reflect on this past year, I realize that the perfectionist in me was confronted with a number of precarious (and intimidating) challenges – my very own inflicted wounds.

The deep-seated desires of my heart were threatened, and I was forced to decide if I could lay them all down at the feet of my Savior. If I could sacrifice my own will and surrender completely to the will of the Father. The control freak inside me was provoked to hand over the reins of my life to the only One who is capable of steering correctly.

My sense of security was threatened, and I was forced to discern the sole keeper and establisher of my identity as the unchangeable and all-perfect God. My worth would no longer be tied to my academic performance or personal relationships or behavior. My worth would be rooted in one thing: the assurance that I have been saved by absolute grace.

And finally, my ability to trust the Lord was threatened, as many prayers came and went unanswered, and I failed to see the fruits of my most desperate requests to the Lord. I was pushed to have faith in the promise that His plans for me are always good, even when they do not align with my own.

And in the midst of these trials, I witnessed a beautiful display of God’s never-ending kindness and sweet sovereignty. His grace was continually made perfect.

Even on the hardest days — the days full of failure and uncertainty and frustration — His grace was made perfect.

I am still in awe that the all-powerful God could care enough about my life that He would orchestrate the beautiful concept of grace to transform my worst days into monuments of His goodness. Testimony is birthed from great trials. Utter failure is the launching pad for great wisdom.

And so, as I step into the new year, bracing myself for all that 2018 has to offer, I am choosing to embrace the challenges and failures that lie ahead. I am choosing to be reminded of my Savior’s beautiful grace. A grace that is so perfect, because it delights in my hardships, in my insults, in my persecutions and difficulties. It helps me boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, because when I am weak, then I will be strong.

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“And if by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace.” Romans 11:6

“But where sin increased, graced increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 5:20-21

“One day you will wake up and all of the waiting will have made sense. You will realize that all the prayers that seemed to be tangled in worries were actually wrapped tightly in God’s grace. You will realize that even though before, you were certain it was over, you were actually… okay, and everything that was supposed to happen, happened. Everyone you were supposed to meet, you met. Everything you were supposed to do, you did. Everywhere you were supposed to go, you went. You will begin to realize that after all this time, because of His love for you, you have always been right where you needed to be.” –Morgan Harper Nichols